Human Discourse is Coarse of Course

“I don’t need to hear that!”

--thinks the Smitty to hisself.

Human Conversation – I mean, please! Talking about whether mosquitoes are attracted to light the way moths are:

“Because maybe that yellow anti-insect bulb isn’t for moths but for other insects.”

“Mister, maybe.”

“But they still seek you out in the dark in bed.”

“Mister, I guess it’s…”

[At this point, the Smitty is so frustrated by human discourse (and intercourse) that, when asked, The Smitty thinks:

“Those humans! So Slow! It’s like watching them figure out for the first time that 2+2=mouse.”]

Video Smee, Our Radiant Star

Mister Smitty has a video!

Let’s read the box, shall we?

“Watch the Smitty sleep: a calming experience for you and yours, playing as a background. You’ve seen videos of a fire in the fireplace? By which, openly, chestnuts roast? Enjoy hours of sleeping Smee-dom on your TV. Purrr-fect!

“Extra features include a complete 4-hour commentary by The Misters about the framing and composition of every shot, working with the talent, jokes about the Smitty at the craft service tables, rumors and gossip shared in the Smitty’s make-up trailer, interviews with Cameramen, Script Girls, and Keys Grip.

Check out the Blooper Reel where the Smitty does crazy things like wake up, lick hisself, or run out of frame!”

Book Cat-alog

Mister Smitty books we’d like to see:

Mister Smitty’s Advice to Humans
Excerpt: “Guests may be confused by your home’s lay-out. To orient them, gently rub yourself against their legs.”

Mister Smitty’s Holiday Hosting Guide
Excerpt: “Nothing breaks the ice like plopping yourself down in the middle of the room, lifting your back leg straight to heaven, and commencing to lick your crotch.”

Punchin’ the Clock

Mister Smitty has regular hours!

Visions of the Smee, hardhatted, shuffling along behind behatted others, lunchbox in paw, to slip his time card in to be punched…
Like clockwork, the Smitty is here at _____ and gone at ____ and back precisely at _____ to leave again at _____.

[We would very much like to disclose the actual hours – but our legal team advises against so particular a disclosure, in accordance with the TMI act (Too Much Information)]

Thus, this post is, though well-meaning, less than informative.

Mr. Anti-GraviSmitty

Mr. Smitty is an anti-gravity Smitty!

(an anti-gravismitty!)

He can jump from the desk (indoors) to the top of shoeland (outdoors) and never touch the ground. Thus, the Smitty has two ways to get hisself through that vexifying screen door
(cf. previous (tedious) blogs concerning the philosophical conundrum (from the Smitty’s point of view) of the screen door’s being, paradoxically, closed and yet smells open).
Of course he does the usual cat-trick of climbing the screen to get on top -- but that’s an old trick that he can only trot out rarely now for fear of causing general yawning amongst The Misters.

Uppity Couch!

If The Misters’ couch ever takes a notion to up’n vamoose itself out the door, down the hill, aiming to thumb itself a ride, well… it sure as shoot won’t be on Mr. Smitty’s watch!

“Whoa, couch must be settin’ to move.”

“Get the couch, Mr. Smitty! Get it!”

“Mister Smitty’s a-got his’n claws on the corner of the couch. He ain’t lettin’ go!”

“He a-gonna get that couch!”

“Mister Smitty’s got that couch by the short hairs and won’t let go.”

“Tell ‘em who’s boss, Mr. Smee.”

“That couch ain’t goin’ nowhere, yo!”

Shower Scene

Mr. Smitty likes the shower!

Lickable fresh water all over the place -- like a waterbowl that just goes on and on! Cool, lickable walls, too, that echo and reinforce smell and sound. HABAS – not into all that. “I don’t do that. I’m clean.”

“What’s that noise?”

“Sounds like the towel rack jiggling.”

“Mr. Smitty, are you done in the shower? Are you using my towel? You can.”

Plato’s (refrigerated) Cave

Mister Smitty is a philosophical smitty!
He stares at the fridge at mealtime.
Does he know that his wet food comes from the fridge?

Sitting and staring at it, he feels the door open and the cold air blast out at him, then close. He understands that radically abrupt change in temperature.

But now, staring at it, I wonder if he’s wondering about the fridge the way we wonder about God.
Mr. Smitty is a philosophisti-cat!