Nomen-c(l)at-ure

Confusions have been swirling in the streets!
In some quarters, rumors abound concerning Mister Smitty’s first name (which they consider a secret held by this site (its subsidiaries, heirs, and aasigns) to be revealed only in that most tedious of ways, the Multi-Part Series.
Let’s recall some of those most dreaded multi-parted serieses, shall we?: There was the oh-(not)so-clever “Da Smitty Code,” the suspenseful “Plastic Trash Bag Mystery” (or was it “misery”?) and that most loathed of all multi-parters: “Da Vater Code” – a misguided attempt by bloggists to wrap the conundrum of the Smitty’s water drinking preferences inside the enigma of physics, weights and measures, etc. (Archimedes, passim).
[read it quickly, before it’s expunged! – ed.]
“ANY-way!”
Let it be said here that we intend no such depressing multi-partem postings. We understand from our chatrooms, comments, and snail-mail letters (including one composed of letters cut from magazines) that these serieses are odious in the extreme.
Nevertheless, since we have at present wandered so far afield of our purpose that we must apologize, we must cut this posting off at the head, lest it grow longer.
Sadly, the quest for the illusively unspeakable (first) name of the Smitty is –
T- B- C-NT-N--D!