Re: Laps Part II: “a lap is lazily…”

In Lap Theory #2, the distinguished geologist Lapis “The Rock” Lapidus

-- emeritus of Lappland University in Northern Worehverr and the world’s leading expert on the white-out effect of snow on reindeer --

posits that the Smitty’s lap fixation is a misguided form of having mistaken his own fur for snow. Thus, the Smitty is desperately seeking the life-giving heat emanating from a Mister’s lap.

Re: laps Part I: Laps in Judgment

Mister Smitty is a lap monster!

“The Smitty just love them laps! Soon’s he sees a lap appear, he’s down wi’ dat!”

Lap Theory #1

In the 1st Lap Theory (often called the Proto- or Pre-lapsarian Theory), The Smitty’s motive in “doing laps” is to hold down unruly Misters who tend to wander like amateur actors across a stage. This is also called the “Herding Cats” theory (as it is applied, counter-intuitively, to cats herding humans -- as opposed to the vice-versa).

Time Band-aids

The Smitty lives in slow motion!
The Smitty’s slowness means that he sees the Misters as very fast-moving
“And fast-speaking,” chimes in That Mister.
“Our words and songs are like a buzzing to him,” adds This Mister.
“Or the Chipmunks Christmas album, yo,” That Mister re-chimed hisself.
The Smitty is a slow cat who likes to settle in for a good long time on a lap.
“And he can’t be having that lap up and get up every hour!”

Dig it!

Mr. Smitty has found his old litterbox!

Underneath the house lies Ye Olde Litterbox of Aloyishius P. Smittee,

distinguished ancestor…

(Actually, Youse-Truly never remembered to throw it out.)

The Smitty was not actually seen steppin’ foot in there (despite doctored tabloid photos to the contrary now in wide circulation); he was just spied prowling the purlieus of same.

“See? He’s a nostaligical smitty!”

“Getting’ in touch with his roots, yo.”

“An archema-logistical smitty.”

“He’s an hysterical-preservationist!”

A Trendy Smitty

Mister Smitty is ahead of the curve!

The Smitty is the most fashionable, the trend-setting smitty par excellence.

“Why that Smitty not sleepin’ up in his bed no moh?”

“He sleepin’ on the robe, yo.”

Next week:

“Why that Smitty not sleepin’ up on my robe no moh?”

“He sleepin’ on the back of de couch, yo.”

Next week:

See what I mean? The Smitty is so avant-garde that the garde ain’t even built yet that can handle his train coming, yo.

Detective Smee’s Diary Part IV: Goin’ Noir Fast

“’Cup of coffee!’

(for them)

“’Cocktails at…’

(for them)

“Meanwhile, I’m still on the beat, taking the notes, getting it down, scrawling my notes in the well, it’s not a pad and pencil but with my claws on the ground or lightly tracing notes in the air – but it’s all being taken down in the Akhasic records, no’m sayin’?

“Like Atlantic records, ya dig? Only worldwide – and for all time.

[Ed.’s note: the Akhasic records, not an R&B joint out of Motown, contains every thought uttered or thunk by every living thing through all time. To give you some perspective on its size and the sheer volume of uselessness it contains, think of all the entries to this blogsite -- and then subtract a few hundred thousand pages.]