Homing Device

Mr. Smitty is a helpful smitty!

When the Misters come back from a long sojourn, the Smitty comes out to greet them. But this is no innocent outburst of joy at our return…

“It’s not?”

“Ok, it is – but it’s also his moment to implant a secret smitty homing device onto the wayward Misters.”

“He’s a Secret Agentical Smitty.”

“Clearly, I was lost, and he is helping me not to be lost again by rubbing up against my leg and depositing his smell so I can find my way home!”

“Of course Mr. Smitty’s best homing device is –

-- his little face!”

No Me Moleste, Sr. Smeetee

Mr. Smitty can speak Spanish!

(or he entiendes it, at least)

He posts himself on the rock wall that separates the Misters’ yard from the Esais’ yard --

(the yard formerly known as the one belonging to Mr. Wilson (bad dog) and his owner, the Chonch Lady.)

-- and listens to the acciones y dialogos y todo eso of the newly arrived Esais.

He is so attentive to their talkings…

Does he understand them better than he does the Misters?

WAIT! Does Mr. Smitty work for La Migra?!?!

Gracious Host Tales #3 Hippie-Smitty has a Sit-In

Mr. Smitty is a polite host!

When Ms. Fabulous came over for an official interview with This Mister, the Smitty was very gracious in sharing his time.

When I arrived I found Ms. Fabulous and That Mister sitting <> like a pair of hippies --

(because, obviously, we can no longer describe their sitting positions with the Perniciously Incorrect phrase, “Indian style”)

-- with Mr. Smitty sitting between them!

The Smitty is a friendly smitty to visitors. He allows close contact, occasional petting (not “heavy”), and “face time” as the politicians say…

WAIT! Is Mr. Smitty running for office?!?!

Mr. Smitty, VFW (veteran of frickin’ Wilson (bad dog))

Our long national nightmare is over!

Mr. Wilson (bad dog) has been decamped after just less than a year after the Smee arrived.

(For a compleat timeline of the Smiity’s adventurizings please consult…[keep dreamin’! –ed.])

V-W Day (as it is called by the Misters) included a ticker-tape parade with Mr. Smitty sitting atop the back seat of a fab reverse-back-door-handled black convertible

Thunderbird?

Lincoln?

Zapruder?

. “--ANY-way!”

The Smitty doesn’t wave – he blinks quietly to acknowledge the accolades of his adoring fans.


Such a regal smitty!

Mr. Wilson (bad dog)’s Indy 500

The Smitty was heinously perpetrated by Mr. Wilson (bad dog) when the chonch lady would release her darling “Bebi” for his monthly rampage.

(He would immediately run up to our house and circle it endlessly at top speed, like an Indy 500 of Dog Stupidity.)

The admirable Smitty, during these dark hours, would run up to the porch, butt low as can be, dart inside, and hide under the bed.

Eventually Mr. Wilson (dumb dog) would exhaust himself dizzy with circling and return home, waiting to be let back into his cage (like humans, that).

The Smitty, devastated, would not re-emerge for hours!

His huddled mass, yearning to breathe free, would peer out from below the bed (at any curious Mister who came by to inspectify) and bleat plaintively,

“Meb?”

Gettin’ Down wi’da Peeps

Mr. Smitty entertains his Peeps when the Misters are away!

(“I know what you did last Tuesday!”)

I’m just a-waitin’ to come home and find the Smitty…

Standing up on two legs, drinking wine and frying onions!

Or…

Out on the porch, smoking a cigar (Cohiba, natch), presiding over his peeps who are prowling and reconnaisancing!

Or…

On the computer! (he likes to click the mouse)

Or…making phone calls -- for take-out!

“Mao!”

“Small or large?”

“Mao”

“Phone number?”

“Mao! Mao!”

(The Smitty is a Maoist, natch.)

Mr. Smitty’s Evil Doppelganger Peep!

Just when you thought it was safe to count the Peeps in Mr. Smity’s entourage, here comes a new one!

A small black cat has been prowling the purlieus, looking to get all up in Mr. Smitty’s territory, no’m sayin?

“Mister, does that make this new one Peep #3, or Peep#2 (because Mini-me got turned into a sculpture so that makes the faux-Princess peep Peep #1)?

“Mister, huh?”

“Mister, never mind. Let’s all chant!”

(together:).
Black cat! Black cat!
Evil doppelganger! anti-Christ smitty from the anti-matter universe!
And his name?
Mr…Yttims!!
(natch.)